Some Myths and Facts about Bullies and Victims

Here is a great article I found on Education.com I wanted to share it with you!

Some Myths and Facts about Bullies and Victims
Author: Sandra Graham
Source: Bullying Special Edition Contributor

Based on what we see on television or read in the newspapers, many of us develop beliefs about bullies and victims. Sometimes those beliefs are more myth than fact. In this article I describe a few commonly held myths about bullies and victims. I label these beliefs as myths because researchers who study bullies and victims of many different ages and in many different contexts have not found them to be true.

Myth #1: Bullies are rejected by their peers and have no friends.
Many people believe that everybody dislikes the class bully. But in truth, the research shows that many bullies have high status in the classroom and lots of friends (1). Particularly during the middle school years, some bullies are actually quite popular among their classmates who perceive them as especially “cool” (2). As young teens try out their need to be more independent, it seems that bullies sometimes enjoy a new kind of notoriety. Many classmates admire their toughness and may even try to imitate them.

Myth #2: Bullies have low self-esteem.
Just as it has been incorrectly assumed that bullies are rejected by peers and have no friends, there is a general belief that such youth are low in self-esteem. That myth has its roots in the widely accepted view that people who bully others must act that way because they think poorly of themselves. Some readers may remember the self-esteem movement of the 1980s when many people argued that raising self-esteem was the key to improving the outcomes of children with academic and social problems (3). But there is not much evidence in peer research that bullies suffer from low self-esteem (4). To the contrary, many studies report that bullies perceive themselves in a positive light, perhaps sometimes displaying inflated self-views, and that high self-esteem can sometimes encourage bullies to rationalize their antisocial actions (5).

Myth #3: Being a victim builds character.
Another misconception is that bullying is a normal part of childhood and adolescence and that the experience of peer harassment builds character. In contrast to this view, research findings quite clearly show that bullying experiences increase the vulnerabilities of children. For example, we know that children who are passive and socially withdrawn are at heightened risk of getting bullied and that these children become even more withdrawn after incidents of harassment (6).

Myth #4: Many childhood victims of harassment become violent as teens.
The portrayal of victims lashing out at their tormentors has been reinforced by the media portrayals of school shooting incidents over the past few years (7). However, the truth is that most victims of bullying are more likely to suffer in silence than to retaliate. As indicated above, many victims experience psychological adjustment problems like depression and low self-esteem, which may make them inclined to turn inward rather than outward.

Myth #5: There is a victim personality.
Although certain personality characteristics (e.g., the tendency to be shy or withdrawn) indeed place children at higher risk for being bullied, there are also a host of situational factors (e.g., being a new student in school) and social risk factors (e.g., not having a friend) that increase the likelihood of a child being or continuing to get bullied. These situational factors explain why there are more temporary than chronic victims of bullying (8).

Myth #6: Bullying involves only perpetrators and victims.
Many parents, teachers, and students view bullying as a problem that is limited to bullies and victims. Yet, there is much research showing that bullying involves more than the bully-victim dyad (9). For example, bullying incidents are typically public (rather than private) events that have witnesses. Studies based on playground observations have found that in most incidents, at least four other peers were present as witnesses, bystanders, assistants to bullies, reinforcers, or defenders of victims (10). One observation study found that in more than 50% of the observed incidents of bullying, peers reinforced bullies by passively watching. In only about 25% of the incidents did witnesses support the victim by directly intervening, distracting, or discouraging the bully (10).

Understanding facts versus myths about bullies and victims is important for intervention. The problems of victims and bullies are not the same. Victims of harassment need interventions that help them develop more positive self-views and that teach them not to blame themselves for their experiences with harassment. Interventions for bullies do not need to focus on self-esteem. Rather, bullies need to learn strategies that help them control their anger and their tendency to blame other people for their problems. And peers need to learn that bullying is a whole school problem for which everyone is responsible. There is no such thing as an innocent bystander.

Additional Resources
U.S. Department of Education Safe Schools/Healthy Students (SS/HS)
Initiative A federal grant-awarding program that allows schools districts to apply for funds to support programs that promote a safe school environment. www.ed.gov/programs/dvpsafeschools/

UCLA Center for Mental Health in Schools/School Mental Health Project
This website allows access to a clearinghouse of resources for enhancing mental health in schools. Among the resources that can be accessed are consumer information outlets, national organizations whose mission focuses on mental health in schools, relevant government agencies, listservs, and electronic journals and newsletters.  http://www.smhp.psych.ucla.edu/

For Further Reading
Hyman, I., Kay, B., Tabori, A., Weber, M., Mahon, M., & Cohen, I. (2006). Bullying: Theory, research, and interventions. In C. Evertson & C. Weinstein (Eds.), Handbook of classroom management: Research, practice, and contemporary issues (pp. 855-884). Mahwah, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum. A comprehensive and up-to-date review of the topic of bullying in schools. There is a particularly relevant section on interventions to address school bullying

References
Rodkin, P., Farmer, T., Pearl, R., & Van Acker, R. (2000). Heterogeneity of popular boys: Antisocial and prosocial configurations. Developmental Psychology, 36, 14-24.

Juvonen, J., Graham, S., & Schuster, M. (2003). Bullying among young adolescents: The strong, the weak, and the troubled. Pediatrics, 112, 1231-1237.

Baumeister, R. (1996). Should schools try to boost self-esteem? Beware the dark side. American Educator, 20, 14-19.

Baumeister, R., Smart, L., & Boden, J. (1996). Relations of threatened egotism to violence and aggression: The dark side of high self-esteem. Psychological Review, 103, 5-33.

Menon, M., Tobin, D., Corby, B., Menon, M., Hodges, E., & Perry, D. (2007). The developmental costs of high self-esteem for antisocial children. Child Development, 78, 1627-1639.

Schwartz, D., Dodge, K. A., & Coie, J. D. (1993). The emergence of chronic peer victimization in boys' play groups. Child Development, 64, 1755-1772.

Leary, M., Kowalski, R., Smith, L., & Philllips, S. (2003). Teasing, rejection, and violence: Case studies of the school shootings. Aggressive Behavior, 29, 202-214.

Kochenderfer-Ladd, B., & Waldrop, J. (2001). Chronicity and instability of children’s peer victimization experiences as predictors of loneliness and social satisfaction trajectories. Child Development, 72, 134-151.

Salmivalli, C. (2001). Group view on victimization: Empirical findings and their implications. In J. Juvonen & S. Graham (Eds.), Peer Harassment in School: The Plight of the Vulnerable and Victimized (pp. 398-419). New York: Guilford Press.

O’Connell, P., Pepler, D. and Craig, W. (1999). Peer involvement in bullying: insights and challenges for intervention. Journal of Adolescence, 22, 437 – 452.

O’Connell, P., Pepler, D. and Craig, W. (1999). Peer involvement in bullying: insights and challenges for intervention. Journal of Adolescence, 22, 437 – 452.

© Copyright 2006-2010 Education.com All Rights Reserved.

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Your Child Is Watching You!

YOUR CHILD IS WATCHING YOU!

I have done over a hundred radio interviews on the subject of bullying, especially cyberbullying. What makes cyberbullying so contemptible is that it is insidious; the postings cannot be deleted from the Internet. There is no escaping the deluge of images on the cell phone or computer, twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The ultimate bully tactic is to “befriend” someone, only to post rumors and allegations that can ruin a reputation, or post pictures to humiliate someone, all done by an anonymous “friend”. Often times, the victim is too embarrassed to say anything to a parent or authority, for fear of being ridiculed. Under this kind of stress and anxiety, this can impact a child’s self-esteem, appetite, attitude, and learning abilities. I have been asked during the course of these interviews:  Does a parent have the right to monitor a child’s cell phone and computer?  My position is, absolutely!

Raising a child is not a democratic vocation, and until the child is of legal age, the parents are responsible for their child’s behavior. So if your child is texting vicious lies or innuendoes, sending embarrassing or humiliating pictures or sexting  especially of another person, then, you, the parent can be held liable. Aside from the moral issue, consider the financial aspects:  All but five states have anti-bullying laws on the books, some very severe consequences for parents and child, if a text, sexting or posting on social networks, is traced to your child. Once a text or picture is posted, it cannot be deleted; and now there is sophisticated software to trace postings.

You might want to tell your child some facts of Internet life.

●That text, picture or posting is out there forever.

●It can land on anyone’s website----think pedophile.

● In a few years when being interviewed for scholarships, by professional sports’ scouts, or a job, or in a serious relationship, how embarrassing would it be to have a sexting, or vicious posting to show up on someone’s screen?

Many of the kids that I talk to do not consider themselves bullies, it is just a joke, after all. But there is nothing funny about being harassed to death, as in several cases, most notably thirteen-year old Megan Meier.

Parents must be role models for their children and address, define and enforce appropriate behavior. Your child is watching you! If you text, talk and drive, then it must okay, and that law does apply to me.  If you talk nasty or post vicious comments, or send pictures of your body parts, why wouldn’t your child do the same thing? While I think it is vital to supervise cell phones and computers, I think we all should examine our own actions. Speak to, speak out, about bullying, especially cyber-bullying.

Establish rules for using cell phones and computers.

●Know the passwords for all the social networks and email accounts, and cell phones:  monitor these sites for inappropriate postings, at least weekly.

●Impress the importance of never giving out personal information, or passwords to strangers over the Internet, especially that so-called new “friend” that may not be who is profiled.

●Talk with your children about the consequences of posting mean, vicious, embarrassing comments or lies about another person.

●If your child is the victim of a cyberbully, keep a log of each entry, then delete. Do not respond to it.

●Report the abuse to the host of the website. Most of the social networks have a link that will let you report abuse.

●If the victim knows who is doing it, although rarely is it evident who the perpetuator is, contact the school authorities (teacher, principal, superintendent), and if no one will take action, contact the police.

●Talk to teachers, school administration and PTA about having anti-bullying policies where the child signs a contract with the school; basically, I will not be a bully, nor will I tolerate bullying, and the school administration promises to be there to support and intervene for the bullied. Statistics show that violence is reduced by seventy-percent (70%) on campus.

This is an awesome age of technology, but technology does not define our values. So, before you hand over a cell phone or laptop to your child, talk about what is acceptable and not acceptable conduct regarding texting, sexting and posting. Having a computer and cell phone is a privilege, not a right: if there is inappropriate behavior, revoke the privilege.

We are a global community and we have a responsibility to raise our children to become decent human beings, and that starts from the cradle. Parents, family, schools and the community, have an obligation to protect children from the world at large, and themselves. Even more so, from each other. The bullying stops here, right now!

The Good, Bad and Ugly of Texting

The Good, Bad And Ugly Of Texting

I want to discuss the good, bad and ugly of texting.  Posting pictures and text onto websites and social networks is an everyday activity. What you post onto those sites is subject I want to discuss. The cell phone and computer is as much a part of our daily lives as breakfast, lunch and dinner, and I am thankful for that, for a number of good reasons:

  1.  Not only are cell phones handy, they are a safety issue, allowing instant communication. If you are in trouble, you can call me, or emergency services.

  2. Computers enrich our world and private lives with wealth of knowledge and communicative resources. My daughter in Australia is just a Skype away.

  3. Getting a degree on line is available to everyone, making education an unlimited reality.

  4. Doing homework is a lot easier. The next generation will probably not even have to learn cursive handwriting.

  5. Social networking gives you access to diverse ideas, as well as like-minded individuals. You can be yourself without worrying about appearances.

  6. You can interact through games, sharing like interests and skills. You can compete in multiple arenas.

  7. The virtual community includes all genders, races and cultures. You really can be liked for who you are.

  8. Being on the Internet can make you feel connected to ideas and people and communities, the whole world.

The bad news is, raising children is not a democratic process. As a parent, I have the responsibility to see that my child/ren behave appropriately, and by that, I mean I monitor their behavior on line and off. I speak from the perspective of an adult, but more importantly, I am a parent. I am concerned about not only my child, but all children. Trite, but true, my future is our children. So, I have a vested interest in making sure that children grow up and in the process, become decent human beings. That’s my job.

I would like to clarify a few misconceptions I’ve run across.

Myth: The more friends I have means I am popular.

    Fact:  A collection of friends is not a relationship. How many of your cyber-buddies really care about you? How many of them do you care about? There is a big difference between “friending” on Facebook, MySpace and other social networks, and being a friend. A friend shares your likes, dislikes and interests, your core values, too.

Myth:  My post goes only to those friends I send it to on my celly or computer.

 Fact: Those text and pictures can show up on any website, not only your friends, lovers, family, but on the computers of job interviewers, professional scouts, and predators.

Myth:  I can delete a post whenever.

 Fact: If you post a text, picture or sexting, that stays out in cyberspace forever. Clever YouTube videos will be with us for as long as it takes to create software to delete them---but, there is no way to delete those postings.

I want to talk to you about cyberbullying, the ugly part.  With use of the Internet, instant messaging, (IM), email and social networks, bullies can threaten, harass, intimidate, humiliate and embarrass someone twenty-four hours a day, everyday.

Myth:  If I remain anonymous, I cannot get into trouble. Who knows if I use another name, another identity?  My parents and teachers will never know.

 Fact:  There is software to trace the posts back to the sender. If, say, you post a video, picture or text, of a classmate and make-up nasty rumors about that person, and it is traced back to you, then there are consequences.

Myth:  I can’t get into very much trouble.

 Fact: You may be suspended or expelled from school, and could serve community service hours or even jail time.

Your parents are liable for any lawsuits the victim or the victim’s parents file against your parents for invasion of privacy, defamation, sexual harassment, threats, or psychological harm; the schools are also being sued and held accountable. That is why there are now several states that have laws giving schools the authority to intervene in cyberbullying episodes.

Myth:  No one really takes this seriously. It’s just a joke!

 Fact: Kids are literally being harassed to death. It is not funny.

With each new technological advance, we have opportunities to know more about ourselves each other, our world. We also have a responsibility to be good to one another, living in the Stone Age or the New Age of Technology. Before you hit the “send” button to post a text or picture, think!  Think of all the people now and forever who will love you or hate you for it.

Part 2 of My Interview by Michael Shaugnessy

Recently I was interviewed by Michael Shaughnessy for www.EducationNews.org around my latest children’s book: YNK – You Never Know and the topic of cellphones, manners, texting and bullying. I really enjoyed speaking with Michael and think we had some great dialogue. I’m going to share it over the next week. Do you have any thoughts you would like to add to the conversation? Please comment below!

MS: And what are the duties, obligations and responsibilities that parents have?

JR: Now this is my concern that I want to address. Parents by example and direct communication should civilize their children. By that, I mean to emphasize manners, specifically, treat others the way you want to be treated by actions and words. I interviewed Pop Fly, the Aqua Sox mascot, and he told me that frequently he was hit, spit upon and kicked by children while their parents stood aside and laughed. That example highlights what I find most disturbing about the misbehavior of the child and parents. What is funny about violence and disrespect? If the child thinks it is all right to punch a character, why isn’t the parent explaining that a real person is behind the puppet? One or two instances would be shameful, but Pop Fly stressed that this misbehavior occurred all the time. Parents are ones who should lead by example---yes, KNOW better---giving a child a compass to navigate through the uncertainties of peer ways. You may not post pictures or text that is harmful to another person, no matter what every one else does because it is not acceptable behavior. Dare I say it? It is NOT nice. I as a parent have to provide moral guidelines to make this world a better place for my children and my family and my community and myself. I do not want a disgusting picture of me shared over the phone or on the computer---and I promise you I will never embarrass you that way either.

MS: I guess the real problem is that teenagers NEVER KNOW what a friend, pal or peer is going to do with whatever message they send to another. Whose job is it to alert them that this is a permanent record and that sending a message that so and so may be pregnant, or has a venereal disease could be disastrous?

First of all, parents need to establish rules beyond the time and text limitations restricted by the payment plan. Bullying is an experience that we rarely talk about. It is sometimes hard to bring up the subject of the big elephant in the living room that we walk around, but one of the biggest concerns today is cyberbullying and the consequences of posting inappropriate text, and pictures. We no longer can hide from the bullies, as they can get us 24/7 by cell or computer. I am adamant about pointing out that these images do not go away with the delete button, but can stay in cyberspace forever. Think about that before you send off a snap of yourself compromised---the college recruiter, the employer, THE right person you want to spend a long time with, maybe forever---do you want that image to surface and make a statement about who you are?

Secondly, the abuse of privacy and the right to be left alone is a moral precept that should be emphasized in the home and school. It is not only rude but morally reprehensible to harass someone because you might not like that person for who he/she is, his/her lifestyle, dress or sexual orientation. Stop and think, you may fall into someone’s category and then will you remember that it is only fair if you did it to someone that it is done to you?

MS: Let’s talk about sexting. Some see this as stupidity, some see it as alluring, but don’t girls understand that taking pictures of their breasts or clitorises and sending them to someone else—just may send the wrong message to others? And that their pictures can go around the world?

Let me emphasize that these pictures and texts can come back to haunt you. The real problem as I see it is objectifying yourself literally by sending a picture of your body. The message is one of disrespect; of oneself and others. Once that image is sent, it becomes fair game to be displayed to anyone, anywhere. You are not there, but a statement about you is clearly sent, and it is not a pretty picture.

MS: I know some states have outlawed driving and texting. How do we prevent deaths and give my EMT friends and our wonderful policemen a break and get kids to understand, driving while texting is not acceptable, appropriate, or reasonable?

JR: Parents must set the example and not text or talk on the cell phone while driving. Having a cell phone should be a privilege given with the understanding that the owner is responsible for obeying reasonable, sane, safe laws, or the cell phone privilege is revoked. Think about how awful you would feel if someone, a family member, a friend or a neighbor, was injured or died, because you were distracted by the cell phone or trying to text and drive. This is a consequence of irresponsible behavior that will be with you the rest of your life.

MS: Okay, now that I have vented enough for today, tell us about your book and why you wrote it.

JR: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi. This quote by Gandhi about sums up why I write.

I am writing a series of books dealing with issues that young people face today. I hope to make parents, kids, teachers, everyone aware of bullying, cbyer, physical, emotional is very real and needs to be addressed. Everyone is hurt by bullying: the victim of the bully, the bully, and the bystander.

WE can make our children safe by teaching social skills by example. I hope I can impart some basic values that I think are important for kids to know: the three r’s:

• Respect
• Responsibility
• Reality

What lessons, or words of wisdom, can you share with children to keep them safe when it comes to social skills, technology, and bullying?

Please come back to read about the ABC's parents can use to help children use technology safely, correctly, and with respect to others around them.

Here are some things I think parents and adults should think about when it comes to technology and children.

Technology is changing on a daily basis. As adults we need to understand the new technology our children are continually exposed to. Then we need to understand how they can use it, both for good and bad. It is our responsibility to determine what technology our children are allowed to participate in, our responsibility to make rules for how they can use it, and our responsibility to have definitive ramifications of using it in any other way than the guidelines we have set.

Technology creates an opportunity to bully 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Remember when we were kids? Bullying for the most part was restricted to the schoolyard. When we were home from school, or hanging out with our friends we were safe from it. Today, there is no safe place for children as long as they are engaged and participating in technology. A cell phone in the pocket, or a computer open for instant messages, chat rooms, etc. means our children can be bullied any time of day. As adults, we determine how much exposure our children have to technology. Even though it may be out of necessity a central part of our lives, it does not have to be a central part of our children. Kids need to be kids. They need to be engaged in other activities that do not involve technology. If they aren’t, we are helping them to be exposed to ongoing and more frequent opportunities to be bullied or bully others themselves.

Technology requires that children be taught to place a high value on their relationships outside the family. Internet sites like Facebook have taught kids that making a friend is as easy as clicking “yes” to accept a friend request, and that ending a friendship is even easier. All you have to do is click on “block,” and that person is out of your life, or are they? Have you heard the ramifications of blocking or unfriending someone on facebook when it comes to school age children. It is a set up for being bullied. As adults, it is our responsibility to help our children understand the difference between “friending” and being a “friend.” We also need to help them understand the idea of an “acquaintance” vs. a “friend.” As parents, we know the difference: a friend has your best interests in mind. They share your values, your likes, your dislikes, hobbies, etc., and you would want to hang out with them in person if you could. Parents, through guidance and example, must show children that technology is not a “quick” way to be popular or make friends. Instead it should be used to interact with people we would have relationships with in-person. If that “friend” doesn’t share our own values, interests, hobbies, etc., they really shouldn’t be considered a “friend

I truly believe that as parents, we need to be more active in how, when, and if, our children use technology in their daily lives. It is up to us to provide them with the rules and guidance needed to help them manage how bullying plays a role in their lives. We cannot sit back and blame technology for the “cyberbullying” crisis facing our kids today. Technology is a tool. There is a human hand and a human mind behind every vicious text message and every texted threat. We need to bring our children a sense of basic core values about their relationships so that they don’t fall down the slippery slope that cell phones and the Internet is paving for them.”