A few months ago I shared with you the story of my personal bullying experience as a child at the hands of my brother. Recently, I had the opportunity to have a candid conversation with my brother and get his perspective on being the bully.
Sister: You admit that you bullied me?
Brother: I didn’t see it as bullying you. Just a form of teasing. It was fun to get you angry. And I knew you wouldn’t retaliate. Besides, my friend Mike teased his sister all the time. And we never got into any trouble for doing anything. There were no consequences for our behavior. Mom never said anything or punished me.
Sister: What about the violence? The pain you caused me?
Brother: I don’t remember too much about that. That time I rammed the plastic pool boat into your face and chipped your tooth---I meant to hit your nose.
Sister: You broke my front tooth. (What?! You wanted to break my nose?!)
Brother: I didn’t think about it one way or the other. The time I beat up your friend, I just got out of control. I didn’t mean to bloody her nose.
Sister: You didn’t even get grounded or any form of punishment. Mom forbid me from seeing my friend because she said she was the troublemaker.
Brother: I know, like I said, no consequences. Mother tolerated my behavior, ignored it. I think if she had been a better parent and paid more attention to what was happening, then she would have come down on me and stopped me. I think she insulated me from the reality of being a bully. And besides, you never fought back.
Sister: It wasn’t worth it. You would hit me harder. You never thought once about my pain?
Brother: Part of being a bully is ignorance of others’ pain. And a lack of respect for another. Part of my excuse then, is that I would get out of control. Even our father just said that he never hit his sister, why did I? But why wouldn’t I, if I could do anything I wanted and not have any consequences?
Sister: Would you have stopped it if you had been punished?
Brother: I think so. My wife called me a bully once and it shocked me. I was just teasing her and I thought nothing of it, until she reacted. The victim usually doesn’t fight back. Bullying is a form of dominance and lack of respect. I really thought about it and realized that I didn’t want my wife to be a victim of my bad behavior. I also wanted to be a better parent than mine, and set an example that I don’t think our parents did for me. Self-discipline and respect---those are values that are taught by one’s parents. With better guidance, I think I might have been a better brother.
Sister: Well, it’s never too late.
As I sorted through my emotions and reactions, I realized I was less angry at my brother and more angry at my parents--my mother, whom we lived with full time, and my father, whom we saw a few weeks every few years. Why didn't they stop the bullying?
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1 comment:
Your discussion with your brother reveals important points. Thank you both for your candid review of what went on.
I think one of the most important ones is that the victim's pain is irrelevant to the abuser, that it's "fun" to see the other react (i.e., suffer).
Another is that people allow the abuse to go on, who turn their head from what is happening, who ignore it. We see this at greater levels of abuse - for rape, "She wanted it"; for child pornography, "They're only pictures" or "They're only looking"; for sexual abuse, "They're lying."
One can only wonder what is going on in the mind of the parent who allows it to continue. What, possibly, did she experience that she saw no reason to take a stand with her own daughter and daughter's friend?
Obviously, we need to identify abuse when we witness it, not let the abuser think he or she can get away with it or that it's okay. Kudos to your brother for recognizing his behavior for what it was and working on more respectful behavior. That's really what it boils down to - respect of the other.
Thank you.
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