That's Just Bad

I would like to take an opportunity at the beginning of the New Year 2017 to give shout outs to the media and the articles about our children, the brave and intrepid children of these articles, who are our future and will make a difference in our lives, our communities, and the world. Their voices, their actions, their dreams are so important right now to have exposure, a forum, an ear of everyone who can listen, have an open mind, and a willing heart for some real changes.

Thank you Jerry Large, columnist for the Seattle Times, for your article on “Bully Busters Take on Rude Pols” (December 19, 2016). You highlighted the bully issues that girls face everyday. Emma Coopersmith, Lilah Aman-Lucas, and Lola Hurst saw the big picture of the political campaigning and nailed what is wrong. They have started their anti-bullying campaign because of “that awful stuff that was said during the election about women and their bodies and their capabilities.”  These eleven year old girls have a voice, have pens and know how to use them.

“Three sixth-grade girls heard mean comments during the recent presidential campaign that made them think politicians could use lessons in good behavior, so they’re doing some teaching. They created a campaign called D.C. Bully Busters, which encourages kids to send letters to political leaders in Washington, D.C., schooling them on how to deal with bullying. The girls also are reminding the rest of us that we can meet negative stuff with positive action.” - Jerry Lange

Another loud, proud shout out to the January 2017 National Geographic, Special Issue, GENDER Revolution, that is dedicated to global issues relating to gender, focusing on the young people in different parts of our world, and how societies deal with sexual orientation, especially redefining the very term “gender”. As if this is not confusing enough for most of us, there are now twenty-one definitions in one article on redefining gender "A Portrait of Gender Today": Agender, Androgynous, Cisgender, Gender binary, Gender conforming, Gender dysphoria, Gender expression, Genderfluid, Gender Identity, Gender marker, Gender nonconforming, Genderqueer, Intersex, LGBTQ, Nonbinary, Pronouns, Puberty suppression, Queer, Sexual Orientation, Transgender and Transsexual

The entire special issue is a beautifully done and vital edition which gives credence to those who are marginalized in all parts of the world. What we are finally acknowledging is the need to embrace all our differences. The power struggles will never end, for there will always be bullies and demagogues that make it a challenge to exist true to oneself and not as part of a herd, or ideology that suits only a narrow spectrum. These nine-year-old children across the globe comment on how their lives are, will be, and should be; it is not often pretty, but strikingly honest and sometimes, hopeful.  Much has changed, but not enough. The last paragraph on page 33 sums it up succinctly: “The aspiration mentioned most often, across the lines of geography and gender, was summed up by Avery Jackson. If the world were hers to change, she said, there would be ‘no bullying. Because that’s just bad.’”

Nine year olds and eleven year olds leading the way out of the darkness. We as a nation, and as individuals, have had a long, arduous journey through the political wasteland of an election year. Your party affiliation does not matter, finger pointing and complaining about the process is futile; what we must do is put together the strewn pieces of the puzzle to make a whole picture of our government, of our nationality and lives, once again. That is what we do as Americans in a representative government--we roll up our sleeves and get to work. We put on our walking shoes and march, we put pen to paper and publish opinions, we take an active part and use our voice for change, our time, money and skills in our participation in the governing process.

It is a right of a democratic society to vocalize and mobilize in our communities, in meetings, through the media and demonstrations. Let us never forget our rights or cede our rights to voice our opinions and demand to be heard. Let us not succumb to the bullies, either in our politics or schools, work places, homes or relationships. Let all of us strive to be a change for equality and gender recognition, making it safe for children and adults to live their lives without fear of physical, emotional or mental cruelty. We can make positive changes, and we must be bigger than our petty selves and validate our humanity. We must do so for the children. Emma Coopersmith, Lilah Aman-Lucas, and Lola Hurst, the Bully Busters, and Avery Jackson, a representative voice of children globally, got it right.  And that’s just good.

The Write Seasons Greetings

I have to take stock of the pantry, order the prime rib, buy the ingredients for the  pies, edit the address list, Mary Sue likes Cran-Apple juice, Ted likes V-8, Sugar Snaps is toddling, put the tree up on a box or table, and I forgot Sissy’s birthday card.  If I could just get out the newsletter, a really good one, that would take care of half the obligatory notes in the one-hundred ten Christmas cards.  I can do that between the 9th and 10th and get all those in the mail with all the packages, on time for Christmas Eve.

Or, I could just forget it.  But every year I argue with that inner voice that urges me to do a creative newsletter, maybe with an artful, hand drawn Santa and sleigh over the roof tops, or a bucolic scene with deer and bunnies and magically decorated trees, snow falling, and of course, starry night sky—-ah, no, if it is snowing it wouldn’t be starry, then maybe snow on the ground.  Or quick! copy a graphic and send out e-cards. Oh, right.  Now I am exhausted just thinking about it.  Why does it have to be so hard?

Well, it does not have to be hard.  I know, I wrote the book KISS, Keep It Short and Simple, and I’ve learned how to quick start a writing project. Although it sounds contradictory, listen to the chattering thoughts a few seconds.  Is there a recurring theme—-leaving out all the expletives?  For me this year, there is nothing particularly newsworthy. Okay, then, what about an artsy approach?  Hmmm, what pops in mind is a wine glass pouring out words onto the paper.  Okay, I can go with that and a simple line that the family is happy, healthy and will be celebrating the holidays together.  Last year, the newsletter had twelve  paragraphs bulging with anecdotes, some hilarious and some quite disheartening, in a calendar format, as my life had been one incident after another the whole year. I could laugh about it in retrospect and apparently, so could others.

What makes a good Christmas newsletter?  News about the family. It is in the telling. “Well, it’s that time of year again….” does not make for a felicitous greeting.  Start on a positive note, simply “Merry Christmas!” can be a good start to a chatty newsletter.  If you are not good on the computer with graphics, buy some seasonal cheerful paper which has the added benefit of shortening the format.  The idea is to make your readers feel as though you are talking to them, not bragging or to induce envy of your good fortune or make others feel sorry for you, or dread hearing the same old thing from you year after year. It is a short story. Short sentences are far easier and memorable than long, run-ons. Remember that a sentence is built on threes:  a noun, verb and adjective; a beginning, middle and end, and at least three sentences to a paragraph. Use the CCI concept:  compare, contrast and interrelate. As an example:  We were so fortunate to have our clan, six couples, 5 children, one bachelor, together for a Christmas ski vacation. Our nephew Kyle, a competitive racer broke a record in the Jingle Bell run, but unfortunately, also broke his ankle the first day. However, as all true romantic stories have a happy ending, by the end of the week, Kyle was engaged to his high school sweetheart, a charming waitress who brought him a daily cup of coffee as he sat by the fireplace. Kismet?

I suspect for most people, it is hard to find the right tone, or voice, to write one’s story. Is it far nobler to be serious or more impressive to be charming, witty, and funny? Or far better to be yourself, which may be plain spoken, out-spoken or reticent.  If the whole thing of writing out a newsletter is overwhelming, don’t stress, address.  Get the envelopes done and the letter becomes an accessory.  Once you begin, the rest will come easy.

Then again, “Merry Christmas! Happy New Year y’all” works  like a charm, too.  Sign your name to the card and you are good to go.
Happy Holidays
Jacquie

O, say can you see...

I cannot carry a tune so I mouth the words as  I stand whenever the national anthem begins. Initially I was angered at Colin Kaepernick’s protest sit-down on August 26, 2016, when the national anthem was played. How ironic, I thought, that a football player who plays a game woven with politics and big money and tied into the military and traditionally overtly patriotic, would disrespect the very symbols that support his (12 million dollars a year) livelihood. And, without any risk to himself or to his professional status, as the players are not required to stand during the ceremony. But then something happened, a chain reaction of events and voices in support of his statements that caught my attention and made me examine my premise. I have since reconsidered.

It is the ironies that are much like a can of wiggly assumptions being let out that made me think about Kaepernick’s protest from another perspective. I have always had trouble with "The Star Spangled Banner" being our national anthem; it is a war hymn, glorifying the victory of the Americans against the British at Fort McHenry in the War of 1812. The United States prides itself on being the peace-keeper of the world. In the War of 1812, there were ex-slaves fighting with the British against their former owners, which makes my favorite goose-bumping refrain, “O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave”, hypocritical. 

It is a difficult song to sing for best professional singer, let alone the average person, but it has been preformed magnificently by many. And, spoofed and lampooned and disparaged by high and low minded of all genres. Remember Jose Feliciano’s performance at Tiger Stadium? Remember athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos with raised fists at the 1968 Olympics medal ceremony? 

Sadly, in 2005, a government-sponsored program, the National Anthem Project was initiated after a Harris poll showed many adults did not know the lyrics or the history of "The Star Spangled Banner." And, there are translations into several languages, including Latin, and the indigenous languages of the Navajo and Cherokee, many of whom fought with the British and Canadians against the Americans in the War of 1812. Yet, after the September 2011 terrorist attacks, the Queen of England allowed a performance of "The Star Spangled Banner" at Buckingham Palace during the Changing of the Guard and the next day, sang the anthem at a memorial service at St. Paul’s Cathedral, as a tribute and act of support for Americans. That, in my opinion, is the best example of  transfiguration.

I am of two minds about this, but I do not see it as hypocritical or indecisive to say that I have a deep and true respect for what the flag and anthem stand for, the ideal. Yet, I do not appreciate, nor condone, our nation’s past or current history of  racism, waging unconscionable acts of aggression and wars internationally and nationally, against its own citizens. When those who protest bring to the forefront issues we must face and address, I am proud to be an American citizen where protestors have a voice, and a right to use it, and cannot be silenced easily.  A nation needs a conscience and that is the right to protest injustice guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States. There are many brave voices raised in protest, past and present—Colin Kaepernick is not the first to take a hard core stance, and hopefully, he will not be the last.

Share Why You Write on The National Day on Writing

“We all have our own reasons for why we write, and many are essential to accomplishing our daily plans, not to mention achieving our dreams.” - NCTE Why I Write

Join me and thousands of Americans as we celebrate The National Day on Writing on Thursday, October 20th. Founded by the National Council of Teachers of English (NCTE), the day draws attention to the importance of writing in all of our lives.

From text messages and social media posts to journals and novels, all of us write something every day. And, helping the younger generations understand how crucial writing is to communicating their thoughts is what English teachers around the country work tirelessly to do.

Join the celebration!

• Use the #WhyIWrite hashtag on Twitter and Facebook to share why writing is important in your life
• Listen to the first Why I Write Podcast with New York Times Bestselling author Brad Meltzer
• Find a National Day on Writing event through your local university or community college

Ready for a writing challenge?
Participate in the National Novel Writing Month next month! Sign up on the website  to connect with fellow writers to get the support you need to finish before the end of November. Do you think the world is ready to hear what YOU have to day?

Practicing Kindness

6 Simple Ways Children Can Spread Kindness in Schools
by Dr. Michele Borba

Practicing kindness is what helps children tune into other people’s feelings and needs, trust more, step out of their own skins to understand others, and become UnSelfies (my term for kids who are “more we, less me” oriented). Each kind act nudges kids to notice others (“I see how you feel”). Care (“I’m concerned about you”), empathize (“I feel with you”) and help and comfort (“Let me ease your pain”).

Helping students practice kindness also activates empathy and creates more caring schools. That’s why I consider “Practicing Kindness” as an essential habit of empathy.

Over the last years, I’ve observed countless classrooms around the world as I researched ways to nurture children’s empathy and reduce bullying. Here are a few favorite ways educators help students practice kindness and acquire empathy from my book, UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. The book includes over 300 practical ways based on the latest science, and none cost a dime, and are simple to implement.

Read the entire article>>

Here’s What’s Happening Lately with Bullying

Cool Kids Can Curb Bullying, Study Finds
Schools experienced a 30 percent decrease in bullying if their most social students took a stand.

by Lauren Camera

Schools may have more success curbing incidents of bullying if their most social students take an anti-bullying stance as opposed to teachers and administrators setting blanket rules and regulations against it.

That’s the new finding from a group of researchers from Princeton University, Rutgers University and Yale University whose study shows that when students are the ones to take a stand against bullying – as opposed to adults in the school – it's significantly more impactful.

Over the course of the 2012-2013 school year, 56 New Jersey middle schools that armed their most influential students with social media training and various bullying awareness gear, like bright-colored wrist bands, saw a 30 percent reduction in student conflict reports.

Read the entire article at US News.com>>


How Trisha Prabhu is Curbing Cyberbullying

By Trisha Prabhu, as told to April Daley

Two and a half years ago, Trisha Prabhu began work on ReThink, an anti-cyberbullying app that prompts adolescents to reconsider messages they’re about to text or post. Here, the 15-year-old Illinois student explains how she created a product that could maybe, finally make the Internet a safe space for teens.

In 2013, I read an article about 12-year-old Rebecca Sedwick, who jumped off her town’s water tower because she’d been cyberbullied. I was heartbroken. I started looking up other stories, reading about kids hanging themselves in their bedrooms after being told the world would be a better place without them. It hit me in the gut.

Read the entire article at MentalFloss.com>>

Negotiating Your Way Around Negative Comments

Don’t Take it Personally, It’s Not About You
By Aaron Karmi, MA, LCPC

When you take things personally, you feel offended and disrespected. Your reaction is either to defend yourself or submit passively. Either way you take someone’s criticism and view it as a literal, personal and serious threat. You want to correct the perpetrators and prove them wrong. In turn, you make something big out of some behavior that is so little. You want to maintain your innocence and try with all of your might to defend your beliefs, which only serves to heighten the conflict.

You cannot take someone’s opinion personally, because the truth is that all humans are dealing with their own feelings, beliefs and opinions. No one’s judgment is superior, it’s only an opinion. It is not about right or wrong, it’s just an opinion.

Read the entire article at PsychCentral.com>> 

5 Ways to Mindfully Handle Negative Comments
by Steffi Erbilgin

Putting yourself out there is hard. It can be brutal. You could be the most talented, entertaining, sweetest soul on Earth and still be confronted with negative comments. No one is immune. Whether it’s a video posted, an article published, a piece of art created, even a single idea shared, anything can warrant a negative response in this day and age of strong opinions and anonymous digital presence.

I used to think it would be an easy enough task ignoring all the negativity that comes along with public sharing. We see the comments and judgment of others on a daily basis. It’s easy to assume as long as they have a sufficient level of self-esteem they’ll be able to see the comments for what they are, to rise above it. But it’s always different when the shoe’s on the other foot.

When I received my first negative feedback I became obsessed. On one level I knew it was completely ridiculous to let one comment from one stranger have such an impact. I study the ego and how one should not personally take offense, as it’s the ego that’s offended and the ego that does the offending. But it still hurts. I’m still human. After all we are given egos for a reason and although I see mine for what it is it doesn’t make it suddenly vanish or become incapacitated.

Read the entire article at HuffingtonPost.com>>

Helping Your Child Understand Political Bullying

"Can we all be engaged and committed to political causes without resorting to personal attacks that can slide easily into bullying language? Our kids—future voters in not so many years—will benefit. Our democracy will be much the better for it."

Political Bullies and Your Child
by Gail F. Melson, Ph.D., author and researcher on child development and family relationships

This political season is one for the books. Regardless of political affiliation or views, many of us are hooked on the latest twists and turns of this spectacularly unprecedented and unpredictable political race for the presidential nominations in both the Republican and Democratic parties. Never before—at least in modern memory—have so many expectations been overturned, so many surprises surfaced.

Not the least of these surprises is the language of the leading contender (as of this writing) for the Republican Party nomination to run for president. Donald Trump regularly peppers his political speeches with insults, put-downs, and “potty words.” In fact, his litany of insults against opponents, journalists or anyone disliked comes straight from the grade school bullies’ playbook. He calls them “babies,” “losers,” “little,” “a nothing,” and urges them to “go home to mommy.” These short, simple words (pegged at a 2nd grade reading level) are precisely the words most often found in the verbal insults schoolyard bullies hurl at young children.

Surveys and polling don’t tell us how many children and teens are absorbing Mr. Trump’s speeches on television, radio, newspapers or social media. From one perspective, we hope the answer is: “A great many.” For any democracy to thrive, civic engagement should start early and build steadily as children mature. In this case, however, when we encourage children to watch, listen and pay close attention to the words of political actors in the current nomination race, we are also exposing them to classic bullying language and threats, this time coming from an important and influential adult. Do we seek to engage children and teens in the current political drama, or do we try to censor, protect, or ignore the bullying that has become part of it?

Read the entire article at Psychology Today>>

Shame on You!

It is interesting to me how in one week I have read two articles, extreme in opposite of content; one about shaming children on social media, by Robbyn Peters Bennett in the Sunday, August 23, 2015, edition of Seattle Times and another from the writer Susan Sontag’s journal, “Don’t Reprimand Him Harshly", published in the July/August 2015 issue of Reader’s Digest. Both articles speak to parenting skills; one highlights the most damaging form of discipline, public shaming by bully parents, the other, a mother’s eleven commandments on how to discipline her son, while respecting his personhood.

My favorite from Susan Sontag is number one: “Be consistent.” I had an informal discussion with a group of women who were mothers, grandmothers, and great-grandmothers, and unanimously all agreed that consistency was foremost in establishing authority with children. That is a concept easy to put down into words but hard to achieve. But, oh so necessary to establish a parent/child relationship. Not only are daily routines important for the child, but for the parent as well, to create boundaries and develop skills for children to learn to live in the world within and outside of the home.

The other question I had put forth to the group of women was, “How did you cope with temper tantrums?” An angry child in the throes of a fit can trigger hurtful words or harsh punishment from a caregiver. Children under the age of three are the most vulnerable for child abuse; this is the age when children have a compelling need to become independent, but no skills to negotiate. A parent often times ends up in an escalating war of words and wills; frustrated beyond endurance. You find yourself in a situation where you have lost authority and how do you re-establish it?

It is a critical time to show by example how to deal with a negative situation. In the best scenario, this is without resorting to physical punishment. In one instance a parent, pressed for time, had gotten into a habit of yelling at her child to turn the TV off, get your shoes on, let’s go! One day, after the threats did not work, the tantrum began when the TV was turned off, the parent stopped screaming back and said simply, “I am taking this mad and throwing it out the door. I don’t want to be mad at you.” She opened and shut the front door; took a step back. Her child did the same, with a little bit more drama. In that moment, both parent and child learned a coping skill; not always effective, but a stepping stone to better communications in a softer voice, and it broke a habit of negative interaction.

Another parent told of the nightly battle of the bath. One night the father simply scooped the child up, clothes and all, and both of them took a shower. Messy but efficacious. You do not have to give in to your child’s demands, nor use physical punishment to discipline a child to change the behavior.

Most of us agreed that the best and hardest thing to do is walk away (making sure the child is in a safe spot) and leave the erupting child to fizzle out; and always speak in a low voice, never labeling a child with words like ‘stupid’, ‘brat’, ‘disgusting’; it is the behavior you do not like, not the child. That is a big distinction, especially for older children, and basically anyone. I am not going to listen to you when you don’t like me.

There is a fine line between parental authority and bullying; shaming a child publicly crosses that line. The worst crime committed is when the parent uses shame as a weapon of choice and the worst example I can think of a bully is the parent posting a ‘shaming the kid’ on social media. Public shaming is not a new tactic, but posting it on the internet is condemning someone to a lifetime sentence; anyone posted on social media is there forever.

Shaming is wrong in any form, but especially in front of others; it is physiologically damaging and physically painful for anyone to feel the toxic effects of shame. One parent’s posting on YouTube drove a thirteen-year-old girl to suicide when her father made a video of cutting her “beautiful” hair off and scolding her. It is not cute, it is not funny, it is not effective. Perhaps the young girl knew better than her parents that what they had done is make her shame visible for the rest of her life—and the only way out for her was to have no life.

Our role as parents is to protect our children; our children should not need to be protected from us. Posting an image of shaming a child breaks a fragile line of trust between parent and child, and the consequences can be everlasting. In an interview with Michael Shaughnessy in 2010 for www.EducationNews.org, we discussed cyberbullying, and the consequences of posting inappropriate text and pictures that cannot be deleted. That compromised image of your child being shamed and posted on the internet stays in cyberspace forever—and can be seen by a college recruiter, a potential employer, or anyone doing a search for information on your child.

The whole thing about raising children is ensure they get to adulthood with skills to live on their own. So, it is by example that parents and caregivers show children how to behave and cope with the process of living. If you show respect for yourself and others, your child will know respect; if you disregard another’s feelings, especially with bully tactics, you will teach your child to be a bully. And that child will teach his or her children to be bullies….on and on and on….

That’s Life

Sometimes life imitates art--in my case, a novel in progress, and a bad one at that, although there are some very sound elements of good writing. As I have taught for years in my writing workshops, all writing projects have the same basic structure: a beginning, a middle and an end. And each component of the writing process is building blocks of three. There is in any story a conflict: one against oneself, one against another, one against God. Like many good stories, my story incorporates them all, and I am still looking for a resolution. Maybe I unearthed a cosmic truth, because it all started with a plane trip to Honolulu to get the fourth book of the Bully Dogs series completed in draft for my readers, so that I could fulfill my promise to have the book done before the next Ice Age.

I had recently had new blinds installed and the facia popped on a few of them, requiring the installer to come back and repair them. When I saw that one had a bulge, rather than call again, I thought I would just fix it myself. The chair was the right height, but the material a little slippery; falling off, I hit the back of the chair’s edge, which left me in considerable agony with a nasty, painful bruise on my whole left side which curtailed any walking expeditions for most of the week.

But I could still sit at the computer and write while the vacuum-bot did its job to clean The Vog grit up; only it would sweep for a minute and then park itself next to me. Weird and just a bit creepy. But it did decide to work the third day and brought me a dead cockroach. “Oh, thanks,” I said, from on top of the couch, “for doing your job.” I am okay once I have on rubber gloves and shoes to pick up and dispose of the carcass, but it was quite a maneuver to get from the couch to the kitchen without getting within six feet of the bot.

On the last day, as I am leaving for the airport, because I was early to the lobby and the cab was not due for another ten minutes, I, in my obsessive mode, decided to do another visual sweep of the condo, just to make sure the stovetop burners were off, the hot and cold water to the washer tight and off, and the all faucets completely shut off. The last room I checked was the front bathroom, and there beside the toilet was a big bug (when I did an internet search, the closest match was the Great Asian Horned Beetle). I wear a size 7-1/2 shoe and it was longer than that. I had no time to deal with that thing; it would require me to change into jeans, socks, boots, long-sleeved shirt, gloves, sunglasses and hat. I had a cab waiting downstairs, so if my sonic scream did not kill it, and Heaven forbid it is a pregnant female, I had to leave it for another time. My daughter has a first year wedding anniversary coming up in September and I have offered them airfare and a place to stay while they are in Oahu.

I am telling this to my daughter who has stayed the night at my house—”oh, by the way, Mother, the air conditioning is not working”—so that she and her husband can borrow the Ford Explorer to go whale watching up at Anacortes on Wednesday. She laughs, miming the big bug to small bug with forefinger and thumb as she pulls away from the driveway; an hour later she is frantically trying to call me to tell me the car has blown an engine on I-5. The main reason I still have a landline is that cell calls are dropped here at my house; that day, apparently work was being done on the substation and we were temporarily out of service. My cell phone was doing a software update for twenty-five minutes and then would not let a call be completed. But, in the end, cars were switched, broken-down car towed, and daughter got some awesome pictures of whales.

But, the saga continues. Thursday morning, July 4th, at about 4 AM, my husband wakes me with the dreaded, “I think we have a problem.” Usually that problem would be waking me at 4 AM. A six dollar part broke on the upstairs toilet and gallons of clean water damaged the upstairs and downstairs of our house. On the hottest, record-breaking day of the year, we are without air conditioning (which is out of warranty) until July 29th. And, those big blowers that Servpro installed throughout the house to dry out everything jacked the temperature up to 106 degrees. “Why can’t we go to a motel?” I screamed at my lizard-husband, “Think of it as a long weekend of camping!” He just waves to me as he drives off to his air conditioned office. Well, my idea of camping is room service at the Kahala on Oahu.

What is life’s lessons here, I wondered? Not to let things bug me? Don’t sweat the small stuff? After all, nothing of value was lost, but time and temper and money. I got the exact car, down to the color, I have wanted to trade the Explorer for when I rented the Ford Edge. And sweating is a good way to detox the body, right?. I have yet to figure a life lesson connection to the air conditioning, the frozen engine, and toilet; but as husband pointed out, all three had something to do with water. Not to drown in self-pity? Perhaps it has something to do with Karma and patience; I think I could be a whole more patient in Hawaii. So I have decided that the theme of this year in the life of me is: “That’s Life!” the lyrics by Dean Kay and Kelly Gordon, and the most famous version by Frank Sinatra. I’m just gonna change the last lines a bit from:

But if there's nothin' shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball a-and die
My, my! 
to:
But if there's nothin' shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball a-and fly
Fly! Fly! 

 My daughter just informed me that buying a one-way ticket to Honolulu is not a good option, as there is a tropical storm moving in. (Sigh.) Well, as they say, that’s life.

YNK (You Never Know): Chapter 5 - 4WIW (For What It's Worth)

After church, I walked the dogs, hoping I’d see Dean. But he’d of course already done his paper route and I don’t think he’d come out just to see me. I spent extra time with the Three Musketeers, rehearsing in my mind what and how I would say to Dean. Finally, checking my celly for the time (1:25pm) and messages (none), I felt confident that I had it right and set out for his house.
His father answered my knocks. “Fran! How are you?” Mr. Frazier is a tall man who fills the doorway; he wears a plaid shirt and dark jeans, a much older version of Dean with stubbly face and black-rimmed glasses.

“Um, hi, can I talk to Dean?” came out all in breath as one long word.

“No, sorry he’s not home. He and Dusty Connor went to the movie. Should be back about four or so. I’ll tell him you were by, though.”

My throat tightened up so painfully I thought I’d choke, but at least I didn’t trip over my feet. I must have nodded as I backed away. The echoes of the door shutting followed me as I retraced my steps to the Wessenfeld’s house.

I sat on the porch with the big lab’s head in my lap. Tears plopped on Aramis’ ears as I smoothed them into his fur. Porthos, on my left, nudged my elbow, and I reached over to pet him, then Athos on my right side. I buried my face into Armis’ nape and bawled until I got the hiccups. Finally, I was able to stop, and wipe my eyes clear of the last of my tears.

“You’re really great friends, you guys,” I sniffled. “Not like someone I thought was my friend.”
Each of the dogs licked me, on the face, hands, arms and Porthos managed to jump into lap and get his licks on my ear.

“Enough!” I pushed them away, gently, grateful for their loyalty. “I’ll see you guys later. Go inside now.” I ducked into the bathroom and splashed some water on my face before I eased out the door and locked it.

How was I going to act tomorrow at school around Dusty? Like nothing had happened to change my feelings about our friendship? Hah! What friendship?!

I couldn’t get images of Dean holding her hand, or maybe kissing her. Crap! I still had to ask Dean if he wanted to mow the Wessenfeld’s lawn weekly. He could do it all by himself. I wish I could hand him the edger. Here, buddy, take that and shove it!

I spent a long afternoon doing homework and holed up in my bedroom with Wizard’s Holiday by Diane Duane, about a perfect world that isn’t. It suited my mood.

It also suited my life. The next day at school, I avoided Dusty, pretending I hadn’t seen her when she waved to me going down the hall. I stayed longer than necessary at my locker, getting to class as the bell blared.

Mrs. Hammershaw came in the door with a pinched face and pink slips. “Annie, and,” she looked pained, “Fran. Principal’s office.”

Me? I look to Annie, who has gone pale. She shuffles papers into a pile, then stands up, smoothes her skirt and fluffs her hair. Marcy is focused on her math book, and Steve stares at me for a long moment, as if to telepathically convey a message. Without a word, Annie and I pair up and walk the long hall to the principal’s office.

I have an awful feeling this is about the Facebook picture.

In the outer office of the principal, Brian, Justin, Timothy and Collin sit in a row of chairs. They are very quiet.

Before I can sit in a chair, Mrs. Aster motions to me to come into her office. I have this stupid nervous habit of wadding and twisting my skirt at the hip and I make myself stop. I try to iron the wrinkles out with my sweaty palm.


“Fran, sit down, please.” Mrs. Aster scoots her chair close to her desk and leans on her elbows the time it takes me to sit down in the chair to face her.

“Not a very flattering picture of you on the internet, Fran.”

I shake my head. I wish I could shake away the cobwebs in my brain, shake away Mrs. Aster, this school and everyone in it.

“Well, I know that there were cigarettes, Fran. Was there alcohol?”

She just cuts to the bone, doesn’t she?

“I don’t know,” I blurt out this lie.

“But you were there.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I know who posted the picture.”

I want to ask her who? “I didn’t,” I reply stupidly. She just told me she knew.

“Fran, do you realize the seriousness of this?”

Oh, yeah. “Yes, ma’am.” But I didn’t do anything!

I look her straight in the eye, “I don’t smoke or drink.”

“Have you heard of the old saying ‘guilt by association’?”

“No,” I say almost in a whisper. Where is she going with this?

She sits back into her chair, never taking her eyes off mine. “You’re judged by the company you keep. If you are with others who are doing illegal activity, then you are guilty by association. I’ve talked with the others, Brian, Justin, Collin and Timothy; they thought it was just a joke. It is not. This is a serious offense. This state has anti-bullying laws, and that makes posting pictures and rumors on the web illegal. They will be doing in-school community service hours for their part in this.” She pauses, placing her hands palm down on her desk. “I want you to consider who your friends really are, Fran. Do you think you can just delete that picture on Facebook and have it go away?”

Well, yeah, I really did. “I don’t know what you mean, Mrs. Aster.”

“Fran, that picture is on there forever. It could crop up on your employer’s computer screen ten years from now!”

“I don’t even know who took that picture, Mrs. Aster! I wasn’t smoking!” My whole body is quaking, and I’m not sure if I’m really scared or really mad.

“I believe you. Just think about what I said to you. I’ve talked with the others about the Golden Rule and bullying behavior.” She rises out of her chair and leans across the desk. “This will not be tolerated at my school!”

My mouth drops open at her vehement outcry. All I can do is nod my head in agreement.

“Send Annie in here on your way back to class.”

My wobbly knees manage to get me out of there, but barely. I whisper to Annie, why I’m not sure, but it seems like I should be kind of quiet about it, “Annie, she wants to see you.”

Annie reminds me of a contrite Porthos with her big, round, brown eyes. She twists her hair furiously and also is a little shaky on her legs as she goes into the black hole. But if I know Annie, and I do, she’ll come out of this looking like a martyred saint.

I didn’t want to ask Mrs. Aster, but I wonder if my parents know about this meeting. I’ll probably have to sit down and discuss this with both Mom and Dad. I wonder if I could get the flu between now and dinnertime.

Lucky for me, I slipped into second period without fanfare. I avoided Dusty, Dean and Annie at lunch by going to the library to do my homework. The rest of the day is a blur until after I have walked the dogs and know that I must face my parents.

My Dad is reading the newspaper and my Mom is paying bills on the computer when I come home. Annie has left five text messages for me, but I don’t answer. Dusty called and left a message to call her back, but I don’t. What I do is email Dean that Mrs. W would like him to mow her lawn weekly. Contact her if you are interested.

I stay in my room and read until my Mom calls me for dinner.

“How’d it go today?” My Dad runs his hand over my head, just like petting a dog.

My Mom gives me a significant look, which I interpret as she knows about the meeting with Mrs. Aster.

I look from one to the other and shrug. “I’ve had better days. For sure.”

“You had a talk with Mrs. Aster, did you?” asks my Mother, so sweetly.

“Yeah, and she even managed to get the Golden Rule into the conversation about, you know, Facebook.”

For some reason it made me feel good to see my Mom smile at that.

No more was said about Facebook. My Dad and I had a nice chat about world events and history. We try to find threads from the past to the present in politics and world events. We were so involved in our discussion, that it was past my bedtime. I was even too tired to cop a chapter or two before falling asleep.

For two days I avoided talking with anyone, even Marcy didn’t have an opportunity to catch me off guard with a snide remark. I didn’t see Dean on his paper route, either, so I guess I was being avoided, too.

Dusty cornered me Friday in the library.

“Fran, we have got to talk,” she blocked my exit, putting her backpack down on the table between us.
“You can do the presentation, I’ll just be the background,” I said with wave of my hand, like I really don’t care about any of this!

“Oh, Fran, don’t be like that!” she pleaded. “We need to talk about Dean.”

Oh, please, do I want to hear about your date with Dean? Are you going to tell me all the details, like how he kisses?

“What’s to talk about?” I cross my arms and glare at her.

She sighs and sits back hard against the back of the chair. “He thinks you’re mad at him about the other day. You know,” she hastens to add when I roll my eyes, “he likes you. He thinks you think there’s something wrong with him. You need to talk to him.”

I lean in close and whisper, “Yeah, he likes me so much he takes you to a movie. Hmmm.”

“Get over it, Fran! Dean and I have been friends for a long time. I’m someone he can talk to.”

Suddenly, all the anger deflates and all the bad stuff from that day sickens me. I look directly at Dusty and realize that I want to be mad at her so that I don’t have to think about what I didn’t do, what I did do.

“I don’t know, I just don’t understand.”

“His mother,” Dusty hesitates, looks around, then leans closer to me and says softly, “is in rehab. She’s done some horrible things to Dean when she was drunk. His Dad kicked her out and won’t let her even call Dean.”

“He told you all this?” I blurt. “Just spilled his guts to you?”

“I’ve known him for a lot longer than you have, Fran.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do? Walk up to him and say…what?”

There is a puddle of silence between us. Dusty throws the first stony word in. “The truth? How you feel?”

I pick at a hangnail. “How easy it is in Dusty’s world.”

“All right, then come over to my house and I’ll leave you and Dean alone to talk things out.” She popped up and grabbed her backpack as the bell rang. “This afternoon?”

Oh not today, dear. I have other plans with my real friends. But when I look at Dusty, look into her eyes, I see she’s sincere. Maybe she is right.

“All right.”

The hours dragged, the hours flew by, all the while I rehearsed what I should say to Dean. By the end of the hour of walking the dogs, I had thought out a little speech.

Dusty let me in front door and waved me to the tv room where Dean sat on the couch playing a computer game on Dusty’s Mac. He looked up and with that half-smile simply said, “Hey.”

I stood about mile away from him. “Hey.” I amazed myself by actually going over to the couch and sitting next to him.

He closed the game and shut the lid on the computer. Still we said nothing.

“Did you get my email about Mrs. Wessenfeld wanting you to mow her lawn?”

“Yeah.” He looked at me. “Very businesslike, your email.”

“Well, it was about business.”

We sat there. Silently. All those great words I have thought of saying didn’t get out of my mouth. I turned to look at him. He looked at me.

“I miss you on my walks. The Three Musketeers miss you, too.”

“I g-g-got a new route. Longer. I leave earlier and come back later.”

“Oh.”

I’m done, this isn’t going to work out. Stupid, Dusty, stupid!

“Fran,” Dean leans close enough I can smell him, “I’m sorry about what happened.”

“Why are you sorry? I’m the one that did nothing!!”

He touches my hand, ever so softly, too briefly. “You stood beside me. You can’t fight my battles for me, but you were there beside me.”

“I was scared. Not just for you. For me, too.”

“Yeah,” he says with a small laugh. “You and me both.”

“So, we’re friends again?” I mean, how can I ask him if he’ll ever kiss me again?

He slips his arm around my shoulder and hugs me tight, without saying anything for a few minutes.

“I have to go.”

“Me, too.”

“Bye, Dusty! We’re leaving!”

She comes to the door as Dean and I walk side by side towards my house. Dean and I walk without touching but I feel we are closer than ever. He stops at the steps leading to the front door of my house and leans over to peck my cheek. I blush.

He laughs and turns to walk home, singing to himself. Funny, I thought, he doesn’t stutter when he sings.

And for this moment, my world is perfect.

Pay Attention!

Pay attention! Jennifer Adams has a powerful voice and she knows how to use it. She has a lot to say about bullying. During an interview with Jennifer, she and I covered multiple issues that had to to do with her disabilities; she was born without limbs. No hands, no feet, but a beautiful voice that she uses as a professional singer, motivational speaker and as an advocate for those with disabilities. Jennifer has a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and a minor in Vocal Performance from Pacific Lutheran University, followed by a Master of Arts in Counseling from Faith Evangelical Seminary, along with a Certification in Applied Technology in Radio Broadcasting. She has been a working woman in the fields of Tele-communications, Radio Broadcasting, Public Speaking and Education. She has published two books, Discover Your Identity and Dreams Come True! And she won the title of Ms. Wheelchair America 2014.

While friends and family may forget about Jennifer’s disabilities, a lot of people are discomfited by her, for many reasons. As a child, Jennifer was bullied unmercifully in school, which demoralized her and plummeted her into depression. We discussed what makes a few people, especially children, behave so meanly towards her and others with disabilities. It is her “otherness”, not like a “normal” person. It is ignorance, a lack of social skill on what to expect from a disabled person, and how to respond to someone with limited capabilities. If you do not look like me, then you are in another category, one of “them” not one of “us”. 

Another facet of the “otherness” that makes people uncomfortable, is if a disabled person is more accomplished than I am, what does that say about me? Most adults lack experience with disabilities and find it embarrassing to be around someone who has obvious needs, but what are you supposed to do for that person? When I think I am being compassionate and helpful, am I being patronizing? What can I expect a disabled person to do for himself or herself? There is an element of superiority in an attitude of "helping" someone too much, to the point of disrespecting the disabled person by not acknowledging the person as someone who can think, act, and be valued as a person, just like you.

Jennifer is not to be pitied. It is not necessary to treat her like a child because of her limitations. Upon first meeting her, there is an alarming moment when you see her as vulnerable—"she needs help!"—but after only a few minutes being with her, you think “Wow! she isn’t crippled! She can do a lot for herself!” It is evident that she is very capable and independent, but recognizes that she did not get "here" without help from family, friends and strangers. There is the problem of mechanics, getting from point A to point B, all the physical barriers that do not present problems for most people. On a daily basis, it is the small kindnesses of those she interacts with; opening a door, making extra room for her wheelchair, reaching for that hard-to-get-to item, holding the elevator for her entrance, the small niceties that people do for each other. And in doing these things for another, one’s humanness is respected, rather than another’s "otherness". We are “pack animals”, with tribes, clans and families, all interdependent upon one another on a daily basis, all of our lives.

Jennifer would like to put you at ease with her disabilities, so that you can appreciate her, and those with disabilities, as persons deserving respect and acceptance. Jennifer is a strong, confident woman who has challenges, but also someone with a sublime voice that has a message for all of us. Be inspired by Jennifer Adams at www.jenniferlynnadams.com. 

Do Unto Others…

To quote Evan McMurry, from Mediaite:

“The Lincoln Day Dinner dinner in Des Moines Saturday night, Senator and probable 2016 candidate Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said he would have no problem droning potential ISIS recruits, and was so excited to do so he reckoned he might could skip the whole due process part.

Graham was responding to Senator and 2016 rival Rand Paul (R-KY), whose non-interventionist foreign policy he deplores.

Via Politico:
Graham, who has made a habit of trolling the Kentucky senator, also mocked Paul’s focus on civil liberties, picking up on his statement that the federal government should still “call a lawyer” to get a warrant before arresting terrorists instead of illegally spying.
“I’m not going to call a judge,” said Graham. “I’m going to call a drone and kill you.”

As you know from my former blog, I am no fan of the vile group known as ISIS, nor am I a proponent for Al-Qaeda, or for the Saudi Arabian government for its inhumane treatment of dissidents. I do not endorse an authoritarian statehood; I am a staunch believer in a republican government, where I, as a citizen, have rights guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States. I feel it is the primary duty of the government legislation to protect me, and while I may be ambivalent about our country’s continuous involvement in military conflicts, I do support and appreciate the enlisted men and women who have lost and jeopardize their lives daily for my safe being. I am a law-abiding citizen; I pay taxes and vote every election, attempting to make sound, informed decisions.

So when I heard the words of Lindsey Graham’s speech, I was awed, as in astonished and fearful. Killer drones?!! Perhaps there should be an incentive to turn in anyone who seems like a threat, or looks like a terrorist. Maybe a give-away toaster, or a year’s supply of gasoline with every name turned in to a subcommittee investigating, i.e., rendering, the private lives of citizens. What would happen to due process?

I praise Allah, Jesus Christ, Buddha (Siddhartha Gautama), Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Dali Lama, rabbis, the Founding Fathers, and countless others who have devoted their lives to peace, and the betterment of humankind. What if someone decided to turn me in for alleged contacts with a terrorist group, or as a sympathizer? Oh, no that could not happen to me!

Wanna bet? Our country has a recent and shameful history of witch hunting; as in the Salem witch trials of Massachusetts and the McCarthy “Red Scare” and “Lavender Scare” hearings. In both cases, friends ratted out one another, family and strangers. In the Salem Witch Hunts, over three hundred men, women, children and animals were thrown into jail without due process. The nineteen accused never had a chance in the Court of Oyer when tried: some were tortured, one elderly man stoned and the rest hanged. 

From the legacy of Joseph McCarthy, (R-Wisconsin 1947-1957), comes the term “McCarthyism, ….. Today the term is used more generally in reference to demagogic, reckless, and unsubstantiated accusations, as well as public attacks on the character or patriotism of political opponents”(Wikipedia). The resulting actions of McCarthy and the subsequent closed-door hearings, destroyed countless reputations of public and private citizens and ravaged the lives of innocent men and women, and those of another targeted group, homosexuals. 

What turns decent human beings into monsters? Fear that is fodder for hysteria, that feeds the monster and justifies mob action. So to get to the presidency, Senator Graham stumps on a platform of fear, making anxiety vibrate with the threat of terrorism. His promise to keep you safe means you will give up your right to due process. Flawed as our judicial system can be, the Boston Marathon terrorist, Tsarnaev, despicable human being that he is, had due process and is sentenced to life in prison without parole. This is because we have the Bill of Rights, and specifically, the Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution granting all, every one of us, due process.

Think twice before you abnegate your Constitutional rights. Once lost, they are hard to win back.

Jenny Adams and The Power of Words

I am thrilled to introduce to you a new guest writer here on my blog: Jenny Adams, motivational speaker and fellow anti-bullying advocate. She also happens to be my husband's niece! Today's guest blog post is a short introduction to Jenny and her work. Watch for more from Jenny in the coming months.

"I am an entrepreneur of a motivational speaking business SHIFT.Through SHIFT I have an anti-bullying/pro-inclusion campaign called "The Power of Words." This anti-bullying/pro-inclusion campaign was inspired by my own experiences with the power of words in my life. This campaign demonstrates to students the power of words and how they affect the world around them. The "Power of Words" message has a great impact on youth as I use a mixture of humor and frankness to reach them in a profound way. I also have a question and answer portion to the assembly along with teaching the kids a song.  I am also the former Ms. Wheelchair America 2014 and have shared the message of the "Power of Words" all over the nation in schools and youth conferences.

I also have a workshop, "Discover Your Identity." This workshop was inspired by my own search and discovery of my identity. I was born with partial limbs and have overcome my limitations by knowing my identity. I have shared the message of this powerful workshop throughout the U.S. in schools, universities, businesses, and conferences.

I know the power of identity from my own life experiences, therefore my passion is that youth would connect with their identity and purpose in the world. This is a great workshop for leadership and diversity training. This life changing, interactive workshop inspires students to discover and pursue their identity and purpose by unlocking the power of mutual encouragement and vision.

I also do advocacy work for people with disabilities. You may learn more about me and my story on my website www.jenniferlynnadams.com.

I believe in where I am going. I believe one day there will be stadiums of people waiting to hear me speak. I believe my business will go international."

And here's a fascinating article I found at Psychology Today that provides more information about the scientific evidence for the power of words and practical advice for moderating your own speech patterns to avoid inflicting emotional pain on others.

When Words Are Weapons: 10 Responses Everyone Should Avoid
Do your words do you and others justice?
by Peg Streep, PsychologyToday.com

"Of all the adages that get bandied about, perhaps the most wrong-headed is 'Sticks and stones can break my bones/ But words can never harm me.' We all know from experience that it isn’t true –whether we wept with shame in the schoolyard as children, were reduced to quivering jelly by a parent’s criticism, or were torn apart by a lover’s contempt—but now science knows why.

It turns out that the brain receptors for physical and emotional pain are one and the same so, yes, you can have your heart and spirit broken more literally than not. There’s some evidence that the over-the-counter remedy for physical pain works for emotional pain too. It turns out too that when pain is inflicted intentionally, the hurt is greater—which is all the more reason to pay attention to the words that come out of our mouths. Years ago, when I was in graduate school in English, there was a professor who was justly famous for his withering put-downs of his students; it was said that his insults were so subtle and “rapier swift” that the victim wouldn’t know he’d been wounded until he saw the “blood.”" Read the entire article>>

Compassionate Parenting

It may seem like compassion and mindful awareness have become trendy buzzwords lately with all the attention from celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres and others. Please don't let that stop you from learning more about these important topics, especially in relation to being the best parent you can be. I've found so many helpful resources online and have selected a few of my favorites to get you started. Enjoy!

The Power of Words to Teach Compassion to Your Children
by Jim Taylor, Ph.D., PsychologyToday.com
"We live in a world where compassion seems to be in short supply. Children are bullied and cyber bullied. Homeless people are beaten. The poor are blamed for their plight. You as parents can be a part of the problem or a part of the solution. Your words can convey callousness and indifference. Or your words can communicate caring and warmth. You can use words to help your children to appreciate and instill the value of compassion in their minds and lives. One way to use words is to develop catchphrases that capture the meaning of compassion in a compelling and memorable way.

The catchphrase that we use to encourage compassion in our daughters (ages nine and almost seven) is “sharing is caring.”" Read the entire article>>

Opening the Heart of a Child: Cultivating Compassion in Children and Teens
by Charlotte Reznick, Ph.D., PsychologyToday.com
"One wonders how could anyone be so cold-hearted, so without compassion, that they have no awareness of, or care about, how their actions effect others. The fact that 13 million children are affected by bullying in the U.S. each year is staggering and points to a desperate need to develop the skills of compassion...

In my experience, when kids appear cold-hearted, when they seem to not care about the suffering of others, and sometimes even inflict that suffering, they are often detached from feeling – for themselves as well as others. It’s as if their hearts are closed. So connecting with, and opening the heart is key and crucial in cultivation of both self-compassion and compassion for others." Read the entire article>>

Compassion - Outstanding - Making People happy - Adopt a friend - Sharing - Smile as you go - I always help - Others - No one left alone

Self-Compassionate Parents, Happier Teens
By Emily Nauman, GreaterGood.Berkeley.edu
"Researchers at Radboud University collected data from 901 Dutch families,  using questionnaires to measure adolescents’ depression and anxiety, as well as parents’ well-being and approach to parenting.

The results, published in the Journal of Child Family Studies, replicate past research suggesting that mindful parenting is associated with better well-being in parents. Mindful parenting involves integrating the principles of mindfulness into parenting: listening to the child with full attention, being emotionally aware of and non-judgmentally accepting of the self and the child’s feelings, and not being overly reactive to stressful situations." Read the entire article>>

An Exercise in Self-Compassionate Parenting
By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., PsychCentral.com
"When their kids have an outburst, many parents give them a “time-out.” Neff, however, suggests giving your kids a “time-in.” In her book she includes a helpful exercise based on Coleman’s MAP [Mindful Awareness Parenting] protocol. It aims to help your child process “big feelings,” such as a tantrum or crying.

When kids misbehave, sometimes it’s because they’re seeking support and connection, Neff explains. This exercise helps you connect to your child and teaches them to express their emotions healthfully.

According to Neff, this exercise “allows your child’s feelings to ‘be felt’ and accepted. It shows your child that you are willing to help him and that your love means you will be welcoming and accepting of his emotions – even difficult ones.” Read the entire article>>

Self-Compassion: Being Your Own Best Friend

When talking of compassion and kindness, we often focus on how we behave towards strangers and family/friends. But, a large part of being compassionate towards others is knowing how to be kind to yourself. Self-compassion can boost your physical and emotional health, help you during setbacks and motivate you to reach your goals as well as strengthen your relationships. Here are a few resources to get you started on understanding the importance of self-compassion:

The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion: Kristin Neff at TEDxCentennialParkWomen

Kristin Neff, Ph.D., is an associate professor in human development at the University of Texas of Austin and the author of Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.
Watch the TedTalk video>>


5 Science-Backed Reasons It's Important To Love Yourself
by Lindsay Holmes, HuffingtonPost.com
"When it comes to close relationships, by now we've probably got this whole "best friend" thing down pat. We give them a confidence boost when they don't feel their best. We're supportive of them when they fail at something. We encourage them when they're unsure of taking on new challenges. We're an all-around uplifting influence in their lives.

These positive behaviors toward our friends are probably as natural as breathing. So why is it so hard to do this for ourselves?

We rarely give ourselves the credit we deserve -- despite the fact that a plethora of research shows that if we treat ourselves with the same kindness we use on others, we'd live healthier and happier lives. Isn't it about time we turn that around?"
Read the entire article>>

(photo by Kiran Foster ©2012 via Flickr.com)

5 Strategies for Self-Compassion
by Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S., PsychCentral.com
"It’s interesting that in other areas of our lives we understand that being harsh doesn’t work. Take the example of parenting. Decades ago, we thought that harsh punishment and criticism were effective in keeping kids in line and helping them do well, Neff said.

However, today, we know that being a supportive and encouraging parent is more beneficial. (When you’re told you’re a failure, the last thing you think you’re capable of is succeeding, or even trying.)

Self-compassion acts like a nurturing parent, she said. So even when you don’t do well, you’re still supportive and accepting of yourself. Like a kind parent, your support and love are unconditional, and you realize that it’s perfectly OK to be imperfect.

This doesn’t mean being complacent. Self-criticism tears us down; it presumes that “I am bad.” Self-compassion, however, focuses on changing the behavior that’s making you unhealthy or unhappy, Neff said."
Read the entire article>>

Author Spotlight: Trudy Ludwig

Trudy Ludwig is the award-winning author of a number of books for young children including The Invisible Boy, Better Than You, Confessions of a Former Bully, and My Secret Bully. Her focus is on helping young children navigate the social world of friendships, teasing, and bullying. Her first book, My Secret Bully, was inspired by the experiences of helping her own daughter deal with bullying from her friends. All of Ludwig's books are wonderful jumping-off points for conversations with kids about their own social interactions and experiences.

My Secret Bully 
"Here is the all-too-familiar story of Monica. She and Katie have been friends since kindergarten. Monica loves being around her when she's nice. But there are times when Katie can be just plain mean. And Monica doesn't understand why. Monica is a target of relational aggression, emotional bullying among friends who will use name-calling and manipulation to humiliate and exclude. But with a little help from a supportive adult—her mother—Monica learns to cope and thrive by facing her fears and reclaiming power from her bully."

The Invisible Boy 
"Meet Brian, the invisible boy. Nobody ever seems to notice him or think to include him in their group, game, or birthday party . . . until, that is, a new kid comes to class. When Justin, the new boy, arrives, Brian is the first to make him feel welcome. And when Brian and Justin team up to work on a class project together, Brian finds a way to shine...This gentle story shows how small acts of kindness can help children feel included and allow them to flourish. Any parent, teacher, or counselor looking for material that sensitively addresses the needs of quieter children will find The Invisible Boy a valuable and important resource."

Confessions of a Former Bully 
"Ten-year-old Katie finds herself where no child wants to be, in the principal’s office with both her parents. Caught bullying a friend on the school playground, she must meet with the school counselor once a week and figure out how to atone for her actions. As Katie learns more about herself and her options, she keeps a diary-like notebook of reflections and advice as well as facts about physical, emotional, and cyberbullying; why people bully others; and what tools kids can use when they experience or witness bullying."

Just Kidding! 
"D.J.'s friend Vince has a habit of teasing D.J. and then saying, 'Just kidding!' as if it will make everything okay. It doesn't, but D.J. is afraid that if he protests, his friends will think he can't take a joke. With the help of his father, brother, and an understanding teacher, D.J. progresses from feeling helpless to taking positive action, undermining the power of two seemingly harmless words."

Trouble Talk 
"Maya's friend Bailey loves to talk about everything and everyone. At first, Maya thinks Bailey is funny. But when Bailey's talk leads to harmful rumors and hurt feelings, Maya begins to think twice about their friendship... Includes additional resources for kids, parents, and teachers, as well as advice from Trudy about how to combat trouble talk."

Listen to Trudy Ludwig Chat About Her Work 
In this short podcast chat for parents of children in grades K - 5, Ludwig talks her book Confessions of a Former Bully and shares her Totally Awesome Empower Tools, strategies kids can use to assertively deal with bullying. Listen to the podcast here>>
 
More About Trudy Ludwig and Her Books

• Visit the author's website>>
• See all of Ludwig's books on Amazon.com>>
• Find lesson plans (Common Core) for teachers and counselors>>